Forgetting to listen to myself

The decision to move across the country wasn't one that came to me on a whim.

In fact, Danielle encouraged me to for quite some time, but I wasn't ready. It didn't feel right. But then again, living the way I was didn't either. Let me explain.

After some serial online dating, I went on a date with someone that I thought was completely wrong for me. And as it turned out, I was right.

In fact, when I created my dating profile, I made sure I put in details that described me: what I liked and what I definitely didn't like. If you wear camouflage, you can bet I won't see you.

I talked about not wearing wife-beater style tank tops on a first date and how southern slang bothered me. And on our first date, his appearance, demeanor and general attitude ticked off every item on my requested list of what I didn't want. Still, I listened to recommendations I'd received to "try something different." So, I did.

When we'd go out and he'd say something ridiculous, I rolled my eyes and called him on it. When I sassed him, he oozed charm. Though we clearly didn't make much sense, we had an enormous amount of chemistry. There were signs everywhere, but still, I ignored my gut.

It was when he invited me to a wedding as his date that I decided I was going to be done with whatever we were. I went all out. I bought red heels and a strapless black and white stripped dress. I felt genuinely pretty and he made me feel like I was. He was the type that kissed in public and I didn't mind. But all those feelings changed when he informed me he needed to go out and smoke with the groom. I didn't know anyone and the evening's dancing had just begun. It's not that I was high maintenance. We were still in a getting to know each other phase and he decided it was a perfect opportunity to smoke pot with the groom. As I learned later, it was more than just that. But it bothered me. It wasn't only because I was alone, but it was also because the bride was too. This was their day. And there was the bride. Sitting alone. Music playing. People dancing. And she sat there on what should have been one of the happiest days of her life...alone. Would my life be like this? I mean, I know I had just met him, but it was hard not to think about the future at someone's wedding. I'm not sure anyone will actually love me enough to want to marry me, but I know I can't imagine wanting to spend my wedding day with a groom that has other priorities on a day meant for "us." When he returned, I felt just as alone as I was when he went out.

Thinking about how he might react, I tempered what I wanted to say over and over in my head. Finally, as he saw me biting my lip, he asked if something was wrong. Are you kidding? Of course there is. I looked over at him and told him that I thought it might not work with someone like me. He apologized. As simple as that. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad...maybe I'll give it a try. Maybe.