A pandemic and a parade of peen

Times have been especially stressful for people all over the world.

Amid the chaos and uncertainty, there's been countless displays of kindness. Strangers helping strangers. Neighbors helping neighbors. In fact, I've received all kinds of support from friends and family in the form of text messages, phone calls and even video chats.

There is, however, one thing I've received a lot of that I hadn't really planned for: dick pics.

Yeah, you read that right.

Sure, I'm an admitted millennial that has dated in this technologically-advanced time and have received an unexpected portrait of a penis here and there, but this is becoming a bit, well, ri-DICK-ulous.

It started with what seemed like an innocent message from an ex. Well, I thought it was innocent.

I hadn't heard from, let's call him "Aiden," in a couple years. I've moved at least five times since we were together. I'm pretty sure he's married now and has a kid too. But that's besides the point.

Shortly after COVID-19 was declared a global pandemic, my phone lit up with a message via social media from Aiden. I tend to respond pretty promptly to messages, but in this case, I felt a moment of hesitation. In that moment, my phone dinged again. Another message.

As I pressed my finger to the message bubble, I was greeted by a basic salutation partnered with a smiley face wearing sunglasses: Hi Emmy.

I responded back with a simple hello, still unsure of what this was about.

Aiden: I've been thinking about you.

Well that certainly took a turn much faster than expected.

Aiden: Do you think about me?

Me: No.

Well, that's not true. Sometimes, I wonder if he still watches the Disney movies he fought ownership of when we broke up.

Aiden: C'mon Emmy, it's me. I was thinking of you ... IMAGE RECEIVED.

Me: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

There, staring back at me with a shade of red across the tip from being gripped so tightly in his hand was Aiden's ... his, well, his ding-a-ling.

What in his mind said, "Man, it's been years since I've seen or heard from Emily, I'll bet she'd appreciate a picture of my penis" ?

But he wasn't the only one that shared this train of thought.

A few days later, "Mark," a guy I'd gone on two dates with, also years ago, sent me a photo of his maypole while he was in the shower, without any greeting whatsoever. Why the hell was my number still in his phone?

The very next day, "Will," someone that I had interviewed as a source for a news piece early in my career, sent a midday welcome with his ween. I barely knew Will and now he's bared quite a bit more than I ever expected.

The first unsolicited, er ... umm, unit, was bad enough. But what possessed these three men to individually submit snapshots of their shlongs to someone, to me, out of the blue? And moreover, what did they expect in return?

Whatever the reasoning is on both matters, I'm quite positive I let them all down with my responses: a speech, a gaggle of smiley-faced emoticons and slew of barfing emoticons, respectively.

Further note to all considering opening up dialogue to ex-lovers and near-strangers: no one wants to see your peen during the quarantine.